Here’s something I wrote for a Holiday card in 2018, Nico’s last Christmas with me. RIP to all the pets who’ve passed on since then.
‘Twas the night before Dogmas, when all through New York
Not a Sebby was barking, not even a bork;
The pizza was placed on the counter with care,
In hopes that St. Nico soon would not jump there;
Pupperinos were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of sugarplum Mogwais danced in their heads;
And River in her ‘kerchief, and I in my newsboy cap,
Had just came from a walk after River’s long crap,
When out on Fulton there arose such a clatter,
I put down Instagram to see what was the matter.
Away from the apartment I sauntered like molasses,
Did Amazon come, or is Fedex on their asses?
The moon on the street and the unplowed snow,
Made me think, “What the hell, DeBlasio?”
When what to my bespectacled eyes did appear,
But an Altima driven by eight cats in snow gear,
With a furry old doggo dressed red like Magneto,
I knew in a moment she must be St. Nico.
More rabid than Bullet with skateboarders untame,
She howled, and growled, and boofed them by name:
“Now, Butters! Now, Nyan! Now Katsu and Nori!
On, Violette! On, MeToo! On, Portabella and Shiitake!
To the edge of Bedstuy! To Phil’s backyard right now!
Now drive away! Drive away! I need some chow!”
As D’Arcy on a couch as her sight catches a fly,
When they meet a speed bump, the cats’ car mount to the sky;
So up to my apartment the felines they flew
With co-riders Fozzie and Zoey, and St. Nico too—
And then, outside, the sounds of a zoo or a vet
The meowing and barking of each little pet.
As I drew in my fat head, and was turning around,
Down the fire escape St. Nico came with a bound.
She was shedding her fur, from her head to her paw,
And her tongue was all out, slung from her jaw;
A bundle of Bark Boxes she had flung on her back,
And she sniffed like a Brendan, and searched for a snack.
Her blue eye—how it twinkled! Her smile, how merry!
Her tail swung like a typhoon, her nose wet like a berry!
Her peppered long snout was drawn up like a bow,
And the fluff on her chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a Greenie she held tight in her teeth,
And the loose fur, it encircled the air like a wreath;
She had a kind face and wanted a rub on her belly
Scritches so rough, it’d make Diego jelly.
She was happy and loving, a right jolly old woof,
And I LOL’d when I saw her #NicoVids, those movie spoofs!
A wink of her brown eye and a shake of her head
Soon gave me to know she needs to be fed.
She barked not a word, but went straight to her work,
And jumped on the counter, what an inconsiderate jerk!
And eating the pizza, red sauce on her nose,
And pooping a little, up the fire escape she rose;
She jumped in her car, to her team gave a yip,
And drove down Brooklyn like a Lyft deserving no tip.
But I heard her bark, ere she drove out of sight—
“Happy Dogmas to all, and to all a good night!”