I’m at a bar right now, simply listening to my friends’ conversations about stuff that — in my head and as time wanes on — is ultimately boiled down to stupid shit. I try to interject, but no one hears me. Sadly, no one is trying to engage me. I’m trying to be social, but holy hell, do I feel drowned out by the loud music and even louder voices. I’m bored, of course, trying to find some goddamn reason to stay: would it be wrong to just up and leave? Perhaps it’s more acceptable to excuse myself to have a cigarette and remove myself from an otherwise quiet, isolated situation. I keep thinking of what I could be doing instead, contrary to staring at my friends with empty eyes and attentive ears and quiet voice. I hate this, and I often find myself preferring the company of myself. Maybe it’s me, and I’m not trying hard enough. But I know I’m trying, you know? Maybe I’m just as a boring person as I — perhaps, unwarranted in my indulgent lack of confidence — deem it to be.
Reeling from the events (or lack thereof) from last weekend, I’m finding harder and harder to want to be around people. I’m starting to come to the realization that it’s best to be by myself, and I’m not wrong to the conclusion that I’m merely a background character to other people’s lives.