I head off to Brazil tomorrow. A large part of me is nervous — not necessarily for the trip itself, but rather for the things and tasks and everything else I’m leaving behind. Will I pack everything on my list, or will I forget something? Can I find that really good dandruff shampoo in travel size? Will Nico be okay? Are my plants going to survive while I’m on vacation? Do I have time to do laundry and wash the dishes?
I’m worried that when I return to Brooklyn ten days later, my dog will be on fire and my roommate Brian would have eaten all my dead plants.
My friend Gino reassured me that everything will be okay, to let go, and to relax. After all, I’m going on vacation. Now I find that there are two reasons why I’m a little anxious: I’m a control freak, and I have trust issues. Those two things clearly overlap: if I’m not there to handle a mess or problem, I don’t think anyone else will handle it. Though I’m far from it in actuality, I consider myself a perfectionist and completist. Things need to be done, and though I’m the type of person to easily concede for aid or pass on the role, I like being a leader. Other people are just quiet or lazy or uninterested to get shit done. Maybe my attitude stems from the fact that everything I did while growing up was by myself: my brother was hardly ever there after he went off to college, and my parents were away working hard for our future (don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful relationship with my parents). There was no one there to help me study, or teach me how to play any sports, or even learn how to drive a car. I succeeded — quietly, patiently, and alone.
Still, I have a wonderful social circle that supports me now, and I have to trust them while I’m away. I think it’s time to just jump and see if the net appears.