I’ve been sitting, alone, at my favorite bar in Brooklyn, nursing a top-shelf whiskey and watching the ice cubes melt into the alcohol. And I’m blogging. On my phone.
It’s been two hours — two hours I don’t necessarily regret being by myself and talking to my bartenders, but on a superficial onset it might seem a little depressing. However, I take full responsibility for where I am and the lackthereof company I’m currently keeping.
I’m waiting for any number of friends to show up for a small birthday celebrstion, and it’s given me time to think. For instance, what if I wrote a bunch of Emojis here? Would they look differently on mobile versus desktop? Let’s find out:
In all seriousness, though, what’s been most pressing on my mind is the relationship I have with any given friend. I’m leaving for Vegas tomorrow, and I just received news that one of my good friends decided not to come the day before we fly. As a result, it’s just me and Brett Harmon (I predicted that my other friends would not come for some reason or another, despite their initial enthusiasm, and a huge part of me — the self-depracative part — is relishing in the fact that I was right).
No, I’m not questioning whether or not I’m a good friend or a good person in general (side note: I am). I’m questioning whether or not any relationship I have would do the same things I do for them. I think my expectations of my friends and family and those close to me are high, and I’m looking for such reciprocation. But here I am, by myself and going on a trip with just one friend. As a result I need to lower these expectations of people. I need to stop acting so selfless and expect the same kind of kindness in return. It’s bordering on narcissism, and it’s totally the behavior of a co-dependent person; I don’t want to be that.
So here’s a birthday wish for my 32nd year of life: I wish to stop caring so much. I wish to stop putting the effort into making other people happy. Let them live their own lives, and I’ll do the same: enjoying a Four Roses at the end of the bar, writing and thinking.