Phillip Retuta's Blog

The Life and Times of a Filipino-American

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Throwback Thursday: Music That Inspired Me To Move To New York.

This is a photo from June 2008, when I wanted to move to NYC. The caption reads, “Ate three fortune cookies leftover from a Chinese restaurant. Considering my search for a job and my desire to eventually move to New York, these fortunes are awfully succinct. They’re cryptic, yes, but we’ll see…”

I couldn’t sleep a few days ago. I was lying on my bed, sifting through my personal thoughts, and I fell into a rabbit hole of music that inspired me to move to New York City.

I remember, back before I graduated and was living in Urbana-Champaign, of the new music I’d listened to. I remember going into Postal Service, a record shop on Green Street, and buying particular CDs of indie artists I’d discover on MTV2. I remember, after graduating and returning home, of all the bands I’d blog about on my old (and fairly popular) music blog. I remember going to Chicago to see all the bands that were finally getting the spotlight they deserve. Most of all, I remember how all this music made me dream to move to New York.

I wanted to live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn (I did). I wanted to experience the hip and cool culture of artists and musicians (I did — before that lifestyle got phased out/priced out by everyone else wanting the same thing). I wanted to meet some of these bands and buy them a beer (I did, for some). Many years later, I now reflect that I achieved that foolish, Bohemian dream of being cool and artistic and binging on Parliament cigarettes and cheap-ass beer.

Here are some of the native New York bands that, in my youth as an undergrad and a recent grad in Illinois, would want me to make a life-altering decision to move to one of the greatest cities in the world, to shape my future as a creative and moderately successful adult:

The Strokes
I recall watching this video when it premiered on MTV2. They were careless, carefree, and cool — like a bunch of drunks. They epitomized the NYC indie scene and were constant fodder for my music blog that made fun of hipsters. I loved (and still love) them.

Interpol
Another essential NYC indie band. I’ve seen them at several festivals in Chicago, and their first album (an encapsulation of New York) was always played when my old friend Jeff (who I created a comic character and subsequent blog about) and me would hang out in Urbana-Champaign.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I saw this “Buzzworthy” video late one night in undergrad. I loved the song, and I love the video — so much so, that I made a still of Karen O crying as my computer background. Everything about “Maps” was so raw and beautiful, and I became a fan of theirs for years to come. I even remember buying Fever to Tell at Postal Service and when I moved back home, going to several of their shows at Chicago’s Metro and Vic Theater. When I eventually moved to NYC, I’d still catch some of their shows — of course, they got even bigger, and I had to pay a little bit more to see them.

TV on the Radio
TVOTR have always been so cool and had a sound I never heard before. They were definitely Williamsburg mainstays, and I recall meeting lead singer Tunde Adebimpe at a bar when I first moved to New York.

The Walkmen
When I heard their song “We’ve Been Had” in a car commercial, I had to find out who these guys were. Plus, their refined sense of collared shirts and sweaters inspired my own style back in the day: a preppy hipster who enjoys a glass of whiskey (and I admit, I still am).

The French Kicks
In a similar vein to The Walkmen. I remember seeing this video late one night in undergrad, when I should have been writing an English paper. After graduation, I saw them perform at Schuba’s Tavern in Chicago.

Asobi Seksu
They introduced me to the shoegaze sound. The video for “Thursday” inspired some stop-motion work from me, and each time I hear this song, I get nostalgic — as if running through the city. I saw them live at the Highland in Urbana-Champaign with The Appleseed Cast, and after their set I gave lead singer Yuki Chikudate a cigarette.

stellastarr*
When they debuted this video, I went to Postal Service to pick up their album. Their New Wave-y sound introduced me to actual New Wave. As far as I can tell they never amounted to much after their first album, but “My Coco” and “Jenny” were on repeat while walking on campus.

Elefant
Another garage rock band from NYC. It was such an underrated album in comparison to The Strokes or The Bravery. Even today, when I hear “Misfit” or “Now That I Miss Her,” I’m reminded of those dumb aspirations to become a famous artist/designer in NYC.

The Secret Machines
Their music always pumped me up before going out in Urbana-Champaign or Chicago. “First Wave Intact” had an energy, the kind that prepared me for something — something ambitious.

School of Seven Bells
Another project by the late Benjamin Curtis of Secret Machine fame, their dreamy music always made me feel good. After watching this video as a kid in Chicago, there was this magical yearning of riding in a cab throughout New York City. And now I’ve ridden in a cab throughout NYC; it’s not as magical anymore.

The Rapture
I remember seeing this video on MTV2 and absolutely loving it. The post-punk visuals and catchy sounds were what made me think what it’s like to live in Brooklyn. And it’s true, circa 2009.

LCD Soundsystem
Like The Strokes, Interpol, TVOTR, and the YYYs, LCD Soundsystem is the definition of the New York music scene in the mid to late 2000’s. His song, “All My Friends,” was my anthem as a young adult, and the music video for “Someone Great” is what I envisioned living in Brooklyn was like: bodegas, comfortable squalor, and rooftop parties (and yeah, I threw my share of rooftop parties when I first moved to New York). His album, Sound of Silver, is everything I had hoped for and had lived through when I came to NYC. If anything, listening to James Murphy definitely prepared me to live in this city and molded my love of electronic and electroclash music.

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The Bureaucracy of the Unemployment Loop.

Day 41 of self-isolation.

As of writing this post, 26 million Americans have filed for unemployment. And like many Americans, I was furloughed three weeks ago.

About 90% of my office was furloughed, but luckily myself and a very small handful of us were temporarily relegated from full-time to part-time employees (others were completely furloughed or laid off). I don’t blame my job at all for their decision, since there are so many companies and businesses experiencing the same fucking thing. Still, having my salary cut in half is financially devastating (especially living in New York), and we were encouraged to file for partial unemployment.

I applied last Monday on the web, and was taken to a “Submission Confirmed” page. Cool, right? I even received a confirmation email that I’ll get a call from the unemployment office in 72 hours. It’s been one week, and I have not gotten one phone call. What’s worse, a few days after applying, the New York State Department of Labor sent a followup email stating that I need to answer more questions or my application will get rejected. They provided a link in the email, but each time I click it, it just leads me to the same “Submission Confirmed” page I received when I first applied:

A loop of futility and financial sadness.

Every single fucking day, I login to the Department of Labor website, only to automatically get redirected to that goddamn “Submission Confirmed” page. I can only imagine the majority of people in New York are experiencing the same or similar difficulties.

Fortunately, I have enough money saved to pay for my May rent and utilities. It’s the end of that month that’s giving me some financial anxiety. Despite being partially furloughed, I calculated that it would take 3 part-time paychecks (equivalent to 6 weeks worth of work) just to barely pay my rent — not including bills or necessities like food. New York City is a wonderful place, but it’s so expensive to live here. Covid-19 has crippled this city in terms of hospitalizations, subsequent deaths, and the economy. And with the flood of millions of people applying for unemployment, the government and the technology it relies on are overwhelmed. It really wouldn’t surprise me that after all of this has passed, only self-made millionaires who already entered this pandemic as wealthy will remain in this city — surrounded, not by small businesses or restaurants, but by Chase Banks, Starbucks, and nearly-empty condos.

So here I am, stuck in the bureaucracy of an unemployment loop, financially uncertain of what’s going to happen tomorrow. Since I’m the only active designer in my office (aside from the senior creative director), I’m hoping I’ll get reinstated full-time again and still work from home. I’m really hoping they’ll be a statewide rent-freeze, and my bills can go on a temporary forbearance. Till then, I’ll keep on clicking that email link, hoping the government will approve my application, and thinking I can survive another day.

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COVID-19 and Selfishness.

Day 34 of self-isolation.

While a lot of Americans are trying to help one another out, there is a small minority who seem to have lost their sense of altruism and common sense (and, in some cases, decency).

I recall, early in this pandemic, witnessing all those kids in Florida celebrating Spring Break and going to the beaches en masse, completely ignoring any semblance of social distancing. I remember watching videos of young people saying, “I’m not afraid of the virus; it’s not going to affect me.” This was long before we’ve reached the staggering number of infected and even bleaker death toll, and I can’t help but wonder what they think now. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but after what happened in China, Korea, and Italy, I had a feeling America was going to suffer immensely. To think that we’re invincible as a country is such hubris.

Even my own brother seemed to care more about furthering his career, going out and risking getting infected, and coming home to our elderly parents. He dismissed the severity of the virus, and I remember having debates with him every night to stop going out or at least taking better precautions. Thankfully, we’re currently on a national lockdown, and quite frankly I have not heard from him in days (my parents are doing great, though).

I’m watching the news now and seeing protestors at mayor offices and state capitols, wishing to reopen the economy and — remarkably — not practicing social distancing. As someone who’s been furloughed, most probably can’t get even partial unemployment benefits, and does not have enough money to pay rent and bills next month, I want to reopen the economy, too — but I’m more concerned about people getting sick or dying before I’m concerned about my own financial survival. Needless to say, it made me happy to see two Denver medical workers block a bunch of right-wing protestors from driving to their rally.

It brings me to this point: as much suffering as COVID-19 is affecting the world (physically, mentally, and financially), and despite many shining acts of heroism and community, it’s brought out our true colors. Sadly, some of these colors feign selfishness and ignorance.

There are those who will only think of themselves, disregarding the neighbor or the stranger who’s experiencing the same effects of self-isolation, or the friend or the family member who’s so fucking at risk at dying. I mean, even if you think you’re better or more deserving than your fellow person (which no one is), think about who you can infect and potentially kill.

The best advice I heard on the onset of this pandemic is “don’t think you’ll get the virus, think that you already have it and don’t want to spread it to anyone else.”

I was at the bodega the other week, fully decked in a mask and gloves, spacing myself 6 feet apart from other people. There definitely was a line to checkout, and as I patiently waited for my turn, 3 motherfuckers decided to ignore everything and checkout in front of me. I’m not a confrontational person, but I gave each of them dirty looks and muttered, “Seriously?” Of course, none of these three assholes were wearing masks despite a state order of wearing some kind a face shield. It made me realize there are some people solely caring about their own conveniences, and the fact that they’re not taking any precautions whatsoever made me even more disappointed. People who don’t respect the unspoken rules suck, but people who ignore the health risks suck so much more.

What I know about this pandemic is we’re in this shit together, and we as a society should be more mindful and more careful about our behavior. Place more value on other people’s feelings, time, and boundaries. Everyone should have a little more respect, a little more caution, and just a little more empathy.

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COVID-19 and Racism.

My usual walking route to the subway.

Currently, in New York, it’s been Day 12 since self-quarantining. My fears about the economy are definitely becoming a reality, but I want to write about another thing that’s been bothering me regarding this whole situation: racism towards Asians.

Before the unprecedented lockdown of the city that never sleeps, news coming from “a disease from Wuhan” never really fazed any New Yorker. The average person here never considered the virus coming to New York. However, when COVID-19 hit New Rochelle outside NYC, the fear and paranoia started afflicting the average ignorant asshole.

I read many articles and saw a handful videos of a New Yorker verbally assaulting, punching, and even spraying Asians — and not just Chinese — on the subways and on the streets. Even if you look Asian, you’re a potential target to dumbfucks. Even most New Yorkers avoided Flushing and Chinatown in fear of contracting the virus — despite the fact that, at the time, no Asian-American in NYC was confirmed with the virus. Ignorance and prejudice, it seems, had inflicted one of the most socially and culturally progressive cities in America.

As an Asian-American, I had an encounter with such (albeit mild) racism.

I remember walking to the subway to work from my apartment, just as news of COVID-19 had reached the US. Minding my own business, I noticed a guy — your typical hipster millennial — walking towards me. A few feet before we crossed paths, he decides to put his shirt over his mouth and nose. I took a shower and I wasn’t smoking, so what was the problem? Before he approached, I noticed him turn the corner from a busy Franklin Avenue (pedestrians all just walking to the subway), and he didn’t do that to anybody who was white or black.

I stared him down hard as we passed, his nose still shielded by his shirt, and he looked away.

I was talking to my friend Alex about this long before the lockdown, and she’s also Asian. Alex is currently pregnant, so her immune system is down and she had developed a scratchy throat. When she went to work, she was afraid to even let out a little cough on the subway for fear that people would accuse her of having COVID-19. She kept in her purse a bag of cough drops, just in case — just to avoid the ignorant stares or being confronted.

I can’t stand the ignorance of people — and it doesn’t help when our president calls it “the China virus.” I really expected so much more from my fellow New Yorkers, to be better educated and well-informed and more open-minded. Sure, not everyone in this city is the fuckface who shields his face around Asians or sprays a guy on the subway or punches an Asian woman on a busy street — but they sadly still exist here.

The state of this world and society as whole depresses the hell out of me, but when there’s pockets of hate and ignorance in a city I feel generally safe in, it makes me even more bummed out.

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COVID-19.

Via Brett. Me Facetiming Gino while Brett picks up some medical masks from me.

Today’s the second day of working from home/self-quarantining because of the COVID-19 Virus (I hate using the general term, coronavirus; MANY viruses are coronaviruses).

With the onset of the virus affecting the US a few weeks ago, I had two initial fears: my elderly, medically-fragile parents contracting it and me spreading the virus to other people. It’s my nature to never harm a person (emotionally or physically), and I care too much about people over my own well-being. If I got COVID-19 — and sure, I might recover or even fall gravely ill with my medical history — my greatest fear is to give it to someone else, and their condition worsens to the point of hospitalization. Self-quarantining and isolation has never been a problem for me, because it’s also been my nature as an introverted artist/designer to find the greatest comfort in being by myself.

Now with New York virtually shut down, I’ve developed a third fear: economic hardship and collapse of others. I’m so fortunate to be able to work from home, maintain a salary (albeit not so much as some of my fellow designers and art directors), and health insurance, but I have friends who aren’t so lucky. Talking to some of my friends who are bartenders, baristas, restaurant workers, movie theater operators, and hairstylists — they are now left unemployed and without benefits for God knows how fucking long.

I worry about those who have small businesses, those who solely rely on tips, those who are an integral part of the service industry, the immigrant worker who has a cart or small restaurant, those who don’t have a salary — what will become of them during this time? How will they pay rent, especially in such a shitty-expensive city like New York? How will they buy groceries? How will they, God forbid, they get sick and need to go to the doctor? And let’s not forget about school kids who are now at home, whose parents are healthcare workers or live paycheck to paycheck in a job that requires them to be present. What happens to the kids who rely on a hot meal at school? Yes, public places and schools, should be closed, but what in the meantime and what of the future?

All of it is so fucking complicated and so fucked up.

What this virus has taught me is the huge social and economic disparity between the haves and the have-nots, those who can survive this financially and to those who struggle to live in this stupid city. It depresses the fuck out of me, and I want to do something about it. The day before all restaurants and cafes were closed, I tipped 200% to the acquaintances that work behind the counter. I’ve donated money to a few causes to help those who are now left without work. I definitely don’t have much and I struggle to maintain a life in New York too, but it pains me to see someone who’s in a worse situation.

We’ll get through this, physically. I’m fully aware of the precarious and dangerous situation of the immediate now, but my mindset has always been to be anxious of the future. I’m always thinking of the bigger picture, and right now the bigger picture looks very scary. People are going to be needing help once the curve of infection (and, yes, fatalities) eventually flattens, so do what you can to help your fellow human being to prepare for the future. Love one another, videochat with your family and friends and keep them sane and happy, donate to those who are struggling or will most likely going to struggle.

Oh, and wash your hands.