Phillip Retuta's Blog

The Life and Times of a Filipino-American

By

A Culture of Observation, Post-2016.

I was riding the bus today, and through the window I spot on Vanderbilt a pair of USPS mailboxes that stood out. They were painted over decorated with “We Heart The Post Office” in bold, jumbo letters — the kind of styling that looked it was a school project. As we drove past the mailboxes, the heartfelt message made me realize how much we took for granted before Trump was in office: those little and mostly ignored things (like a mail carrier coming to deliver your junk mail) genuinely have so much power and affect our lives so profoundly.

It made me sad how he and his administration tried to undercut everything: from the Post Office, to voting, to free speech and demonstration. I’ve always considered myself progressive and a believer in facts and science, but it wasn’t until Trump came into office that I realized how cloistered and unobservant we really are to everyone and everything else — how even the little things mattered. He and his believers challenged my core values, and if it wasn’t for his polarizing actions, beliefs, and words, I’d probably remain unaware and emotionally passive. And I’m not just talking about the necessity and the general efforts of the Postal Service or those ubiquitous organizations that enter our lives daily but also the opposite: there are some despicable things and some horrible people I haven’t had the courage to speak out against. Sure, I’ve always felt the world is shitty and people generally suck, but I’ve always chalked that up to depression and anxiety. I’m just glad that everyone else is now aware of it. I’m glad that what I was feeling was true and merely hiding in plain sight, under the veil of someone else’s privilege, unspoken conservatism, and money.

As for the systems that run our society — be it the Post Office, capitalism, our healthcare systems, our scientists and educators, our government, and our police and prison systems — the last 5 years have removed the blinders for everyone (and the gravity of reality seems to have only accelerated this past year alone). We see the absolute importance of some of these systems and the corruption of others, and you can attribute this new “wokeness” to the petulant man with the wafted combover whose megaphone was so loud, it blew away the curtain.

So buy some stamps, reach out to someone different than you, hand a dollar to a homeless person, thank a teacher or a nurse. Be a better and more appreciative person, and — like those painted mailboxes — let them all know you know.

By

Ugly Americans: All Your Base Belongs to Suck.

“Truth, justice, and the American way.”

Anyone who has a bit of hindsight and insight, who can read between the lines, knows that Trump’s presidency — despite his inherent awful, arrogant, racist/sexist, and narcissistic demeanor — was merely a symptom of the state of America.

You know what’s worse than Trump? The people who put him power and continue to supplicate him. Yes, his base and fervent allies are just the fucking worse. And let me reiterate: they’re even more horrible than the president they worshipped. His base reflects a kind of blind indoctrination, victimization, and unrepentant animosity that forgo not only American values, but Christian values (rather, any religion, to be honest) and human values. The ones who call fraud, the ones on OAN and Newsmax (and holy fuck, am I giving Fox News a soft pass!?), the ones entering state capitols with guns, the ones who still wear the MAGA hats today after his defeat — they are the plague on our democracy and institutions. You cannot reason with them. There is no compromise. There is no understanding. There is no teachable moment. In my opinion, they’re conspiracy-spewing, incel, self-righteous and petulant brats that are too far gone to build a bridge for or welcome with open arms. I, personally, don’t want anything to do with them, and if they appear on any of my social feeds and continue to expel nonsense and vitriol, I want to remove them from my digital orbit.

They are a cult. They are jingoistic self-victims. They are dangerously akin to The Confederacy who wanted to secede from the Union. They are terrible, and they are threatening.

At this point, it’s not about left versus right, or speaking in a bubble or echo chamber. It’s about what’s moral versus immoral, logic and science versus faith in demagoguery, common sense versus blind acceptance.

For argument’s sake, if you’re wearing Trump paraphernalia or using his dumb hashtags or own a Proud Boys shirt or have a shitty bumper sticker that promotes violence against another, you are irredeemable and I hope karma or God or the universe just shits on you and your totally invalid beliefs. I don’t wish you physical harm, but I do hope there’s some cosmic justice out there for being on the bad side of history.

Guys, these types of people suck, and they are wrong.

By

Thoughts on 2020 and New Years Resolutions.

It feels like each year I reflect on how my year went and how it compares to other years. 2007 was a good year, for instance, while 2005 was an overall shitty year — details I don’t want to exhaust anyone with.

Now that I think about it, both 2019 and 2020 were such awful years. 2019 was when my workplace was going through so many changes with co-workers getting laid off or quitting (hence a fear for my own job security), and let’s not forget losing Nico.

2020 wasn’t any better with the virus, drawing sides along the racial divide, getting furloughed, being financially insecure more than ever, getting kicked out of my apartment, and not having heat or cooking gas into the winter. A total shitstorm that perfectly embodies this year.

Still, despite personal, societal, and political problems, there were some good news to come out of 2020: Biden won and Dusty came into my life.

Coming into 2021, I think I’ll actually pursue some New Year Resolutions: I’ll continue to stop smoking, for one thing. I’ll try to eat a little healthier and lose some more weight, for another. Maybe be more creative and start making dog videos again. Hopefully I can save more money and finally become an adult — like buy a car or buy a home, maybe find a girlfriend. Imagine that? All of this, with the sincerest of desires and a little bit of work, can actually come to pass in 2021 — and I hope this year will be better than the last two.

By

Let It Snow.

Dusty is so curious and so excited by snow.

Day 277 of self-isolation and Day 138 without gas.

It’s currently snowing hard outside with temperatures finally dropping below 30 degrees. I guess New York has officially entered the winter months.

About two days ago, my landlord called me and asked whether or not I’d be home the following day. This pandemic has bound me to my apartment (as well as everyone else to their respective homes), like a white-collar prisoner or one of those pre-Hollow Jibakurei’s in Bleach. Keeping silent at how ridiculous his question was, I politely said to my landlord that I was indeed going to be present. He wanted to know if I can let the city inspector come into the building to check the new gas lines. Excited, I expected the arrival of an inspector would mean my building would finally have gas again — however, knowing how everything is fucked and everyone in this city likes to fuck you over, I bluntly asked my landlord when will we have heat and cooking gas. He said that the inspector may come three more times and hopefully we’ll have gas by the end of the month.

Imagine that: late December, we might be able to have heat and cook again (I hope you read that sarcastically).

The next day rolls around, and I let the inspector inside the building. I ask him when we’ll have gas and tell him how us remaining tenants don’t have heat and how miserable and dire the situation has been. Somewhat concerned, he replies, “I’m waiting for the plumber or contractor to meet me now.” Since this was during the middle of a work meeting, I returned to my apartment and never found out if that second person came. Seriously, you need two parties to be present… to come to a decision… to call the gas company… to turn on the gas? More red tape and forms and procedures? Even though we live in a progressive city, the politics and bureaucracy of everything is pathetic: we haven’t had gas for months, and now we’re going headfirst into a blizzard.

Today, as we’re getting about a foot of snow, I’m grateful for a few things:

  1. I own several pairs of long underwear, thanks to my trip to Iceland.
  2. The weather-proofing I installed onto my windows last week has helped immensely.
  3. I own many, many blankets — most of which were in storage and most of which are covered in either Nico or Dusty dog hair.
  4. I do have an entire bottle of Creme de Menthe — remnants from a pie recipe — which I can add to some hot cocoa and enjoy during my 2.5 week vacation while watching The Mandalorian or Fleabag.

Overall, I’ve survived the last few months without cooking gas, and also the last few weeks without adequate heat. I’m resourceful and adaptable, despite the fact I never joined the Boy Scouts.

With the first real snow that I’ve seen in years (Nico loved to play in the snow, and I can’t remember when she was able to do that before her passing), it’s a little disheartening that I’ve wrapped myself in blankets and long-johns in the midst of winter. I usually like the cold and strut around my apartment with just a t-shirt and basketball shorts, but it sucks to try to keep comfortably warm these days. Still, with Dusty around and experiencing her first snowfall, it makes me happy to see her frolic into piles of snow — like those videos of foxes gleefully jumping into pristine patches of whiteness. I might not be warm, but watching her enjoy this weather warms my heart. Despite the shittiness of 2020 and all the misfortune that befell me, it’s not so bad with her. Plus, she’s learned to sleep on my bed, and her snoozing puppy body makes a great foot warmer.

The snow definitely sets the mood for Christmas, and even though I’m unable to see my family this year, I’m glad to have a home with Dusty.

By

71 Million / 58 Million.

Yeah, I watch a lot of news.

Day 251 of self-isolation and Day 112 without gas.

I was walking Dusty and had forgotten my phone in my apartment when Biden officially got the necessary 270 votes for the presidency. As I walked my dog towards my local coffee shop, people started cheering from their balconies and passing cars began honking their horns. I assumed Pennsylvania went to Biden and the major news networks had called it; I got confirmation by a pedestrian walking towards us who gleefully shouted, “Biden won!”

I couldn’t help but smile beneath my mask. Everything just felt lighter, as if a heavy burden was lifted (which, in retrospect, it was). It was as if you found 100 dollar bill on the ground — it was an unexpected surprise, and the possibilities of what to spend it on is endless.

But then reality hit, and I got sad…

Yesterday, I was watching Trivial Dispute, NYC’s famous bar trivia that moved online to Twitch. I usually play with Morgan and Brett Burton each week, but they were busy yesterday. Bored on a Thursday, I streamed Trivial Dispute on my TV and just watched host Adam Kessner make jokes and show foster kittens. The theme of the night were conspiracy theories, and the final tie-breaker question was Price is Right style: “the number of people who believe Trump won the election/the election was stolen + the number of people who believe Lizard People have infiltrated the government, in the millions.”

That number? 70 million people — 58 million Americans felt that Biden and the Democrats cheated, with 12 million who believe in Lizard People overlords.

After Pennsylvania was called, I was shocked to see that 71 million people (and counting) voted to reelect Trump, how +71 million either believe in him or were willing to give him a soft pass. In my head, I’m pondering how could +71 million people thought everything Trump has done was okay — how could the lies, corruption, racism, tone-deafness, misogyny, xenophobia, and above all else, the poor response to the pandemic motivate +71 million people to vote for him? I know Trump has his die-hard base who are inherently misguided and probably racist as fuck, and perhaps many millions of people just simply vote Republican. Still, how can you cast your vote for him on moral grounds? How can you be this ill-informed?

Now, that number of 58 million Americans who feel Trump actually won, and Biden was cheating — that fucking scares me. That’s way too many people who believe the lies and accusations Trump has spewed since losing the electoral count, who are way too brainwashed by fringe media and a narcissistic master marketer. They are the very definition of a cult of personality. Part of that 58 million is what frightens me come Biden’s Inauguration Day, with their conspiracy theories and irrationality, and what (if anything) they plan to do next. Is that 58 million redeemable? I hope so, but the forecast doesn’t look so good; they may be dragged down, kicking and screaming and violently clawing with Trump, to a really dark place in American Democracy.