Phillip Retuta's Blog

The Life and Times of a Filipino-American

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The Bureaucracy of the Unemployment Loop.

Day 41 of self-isolation.

As of writing this post, 26 million Americans have filed for unemployment. And like many Americans, I was furloughed three weeks ago.

About 90% of my office was furloughed, but luckily myself and a very small handful of us were temporarily relegated from full-time to part-time employees (others were completely furloughed or laid off). I don’t blame my job at all for their decision, since there are so many companies and businesses experiencing the same fucking thing. Still, having my salary cut in half is financially devastating (especially living in New York), and we were encouraged to file for partial unemployment.

I applied last Monday on the web, and was taken to a “Submission Confirmed” page. Cool, right? I even received a confirmation email that I’ll get a call from the unemployment office in 72 hours. It’s been one week, and I have not gotten one phone call. What’s worse, a few days after applying, the New York State Department of Labor sent a followup email stating that I need to answer more questions or my application will get rejected. They provided a link in the email, but each time I click it, it just leads me to the same “Submission Confirmed” page I received when I first applied:

A loop of futility and financial sadness.

Every single fucking day, I login to the Department of Labor website, only to automatically get redirected to that goddamn “Submission Confirmed” page. I can only imagine the majority of people in New York are experiencing the same or similar difficulties.

Fortunately, I have enough money saved to pay for my May rent and utilities. It’s the end of that month that’s giving me some financial anxiety. Despite being partially furloughed, I calculated that it would take 3 part-time paychecks (equivalent to 6 weeks worth of work) just to barely pay my rent — not including bills or necessities like food. New York City is a wonderful place, but it’s so expensive to live here. Covid-19 has crippled this city in terms of hospitalizations, subsequent deaths, and the economy. And with the flood of millions of people applying for unemployment, the government and the technology it relies on are overwhelmed. It really wouldn’t surprise me that after all of this has passed, only self-made millionaires who already entered this pandemic as wealthy will remain in this city — surrounded, not by small businesses or restaurants, but by Chase Banks, Starbucks, and nearly-empty condos.

So here I am, stuck in the bureaucracy of an unemployment loop, financially uncertain of what’s going to happen tomorrow. Since I’m the only active designer in my office (aside from the senior creative director), I’m hoping I’ll get reinstated full-time again and still work from home. I’m really hoping they’ll be a statewide rent-freeze, and my bills can go on a temporary forbearance. Till then, I’ll keep on clicking that email link, hoping the government will approve my application, and thinking I can survive another day.

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COVID-19 and Selfishness.

Day 34 of self-isolation.

While a lot of Americans are trying to help one another out, there is a small minority who seem to have lost their sense of altruism and common sense (and, in some cases, decency).

I recall, early in this pandemic, witnessing all those kids in Florida celebrating Spring Break and going to the beaches en masse, completely ignoring any semblance of social distancing. I remember watching videos of young people saying, “I’m not afraid of the virus; it’s not going to affect me.” This was long before we’ve reached the staggering number of infected and even bleaker death toll, and I can’t help but wonder what they think now. Sure, hindsight is 20/20, but after what happened in China, Korea, and Italy, I had a feeling America was going to suffer immensely. To think that we’re invincible as a country is such hubris.

Even my own brother seemed to care more about furthering his career, going out and risking getting infected, and coming home to our elderly parents. He dismissed the severity of the virus, and I remember having debates with him every night to stop going out or at least taking better precautions. Thankfully, we’re currently on a national lockdown, and quite frankly I have not heard from him in days (my parents are doing great, though).

I’m watching the news now and seeing protestors at mayor offices and state capitols, wishing to reopen the economy and — remarkably — not practicing social distancing. As someone who’s been furloughed, most probably can’t get even partial unemployment benefits, and does not have enough money to pay rent and bills next month, I want to reopen the economy, too — but I’m more concerned about people getting sick or dying before I’m concerned about my own financial survival. Needless to say, it made me happy to see two Denver medical workers block a bunch of right-wing protestors from driving to their rally.

It brings me to this point: as much suffering as COVID-19 is affecting the world (physically, mentally, and financially), and despite many shining acts of heroism and community, it’s brought out our true colors. Sadly, some of these colors feign selfishness and ignorance.

There are those who will only think of themselves, disregarding the neighbor or the stranger who’s experiencing the same effects of self-isolation, or the friend or the family member who’s so fucking at risk at dying. I mean, even if you think you’re better or more deserving than your fellow person (which no one is), think about who you can infect and potentially kill.

The best advice I heard on the onset of this pandemic is “don’t think you’ll get the virus, think that you already have it and don’t want to spread it to anyone else.”

I was at the bodega the other week, fully decked in a mask and gloves, spacing myself 6 feet apart from other people. There definitely was a line to checkout, and as I patiently waited for my turn, 3 motherfuckers decided to ignore everything and checkout in front of me. I’m not a confrontational person, but I gave each of them dirty looks and muttered, “Seriously?” Of course, none of these three assholes were wearing masks despite a state order of wearing some kind a face shield. It made me realize there are some people solely caring about their own conveniences, and the fact that they’re not taking any precautions whatsoever made me even more disappointed. People who don’t respect the unspoken rules suck, but people who ignore the health risks suck so much more.

What I know about this pandemic is we’re in this shit together, and we as a society should be more mindful and more careful about our behavior. Place more value on other people’s feelings, time, and boundaries. Everyone should have a little more respect, a little more caution, and just a little more empathy.

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COVID-19 and Racism.

My usual walking route to the subway.

Currently, in New York, it’s been Day 12 since self-quarantining. My fears about the economy are definitely becoming a reality, but I want to write about another thing that’s been bothering me regarding this whole situation: racism towards Asians.

Before the unprecedented lockdown of the city that never sleeps, news coming from “a disease from Wuhan” never really fazed any New Yorker. The average person here never considered the virus coming to New York. However, when COVID-19 hit New Rochelle outside NYC, the fear and paranoia started afflicting the average ignorant asshole.

I read many articles and saw a handful videos of a New Yorker verbally assaulting, punching, and even spraying Asians — and not just Chinese — on the subways and on the streets. Even if you look Asian, you’re a potential target to dumbfucks. Even most New Yorkers avoided Flushing and Chinatown in fear of contracting the virus — despite the fact that, at the time, no Asian-American in NYC was confirmed with the virus. Ignorance and prejudice, it seems, had inflicted one of the most socially and culturally progressive cities in America.

As an Asian-American, I had an encounter with such (albeit mild) racism.

I remember walking to the subway to work from my apartment, just as news of COVID-19 had reached the US. Minding my own business, I noticed a guy — your typical hipster millennial — walking towards me. A few feet before we crossed paths, he decides to put his shirt over his mouth and nose. I took a shower and I wasn’t smoking, so what was the problem? Before he approached, I noticed him turn the corner from a busy Franklin Avenue (pedestrians all just walking to the subway), and he didn’t do that to anybody who was white or black.

I stared him down hard as we passed, his nose still shielded by his shirt, and he looked away.

I was talking to my friend Alex about this long before the lockdown, and she’s also Asian. Alex is currently pregnant, so her immune system is down and she had developed a scratchy throat. When she went to work, she was afraid to even let out a little cough on the subway for fear that people would accuse her of having COVID-19. She kept in her purse a bag of cough drops, just in case — just to avoid the ignorant stares or being confronted.

I can’t stand the ignorance of people — and it doesn’t help when our president calls it “the China virus.” I really expected so much more from my fellow New Yorkers, to be better educated and well-informed and more open-minded. Sure, not everyone in this city is the fuckface who shields his face around Asians or sprays a guy on the subway or punches an Asian woman on a busy street — but they sadly still exist here.

The state of this world and society as whole depresses the hell out of me, but when there’s pockets of hate and ignorance in a city I feel generally safe in, it makes me even more bummed out.

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COVID-19.

Via Brett. Me Facetiming Gino while Brett picks up some medical masks from me.

Today’s the second day of working from home/self-quarantining because of the COVID-19 Virus (I hate using the general term, coronavirus; MANY viruses are coronaviruses).

With the onset of the virus affecting the US a few weeks ago, I had two initial fears: my elderly, medically-fragile parents contracting it and me spreading the virus to other people. It’s my nature to never harm a person (emotionally or physically), and I care too much about people over my own well-being. If I got COVID-19 — and sure, I might recover or even fall gravely ill with my medical history — my greatest fear is to give it to someone else, and their condition worsens to the point of hospitalization. Self-quarantining and isolation has never been a problem for me, because it’s also been my nature as an introverted artist/designer to find the greatest comfort in being by myself.

Now with New York virtually shut down, I’ve developed a third fear: economic hardship and collapse of others. I’m so fortunate to be able to work from home, maintain a salary (albeit not so much as some of my fellow designers and art directors), and health insurance, but I have friends who aren’t so lucky. Talking to some of my friends who are bartenders, baristas, restaurant workers, movie theater operators, and hairstylists — they are now left unemployed and without benefits for God knows how fucking long.

I worry about those who have small businesses, those who solely rely on tips, those who are an integral part of the service industry, the immigrant worker who has a cart or small restaurant, those who don’t have a salary — what will become of them during this time? How will they pay rent, especially in such a shitty-expensive city like New York? How will they buy groceries? How will they, God forbid, they get sick and need to go to the doctor? And let’s not forget about school kids who are now at home, whose parents are healthcare workers or live paycheck to paycheck in a job that requires them to be present. What happens to the kids who rely on a hot meal at school? Yes, public places and schools, should be closed, but what in the meantime and what of the future?

All of it is so fucking complicated and so fucked up.

What this virus has taught me is the huge social and economic disparity between the haves and the have-nots, those who can survive this financially and to those who struggle to live in this stupid city. It depresses the fuck out of me, and I want to do something about it. The day before all restaurants and cafes were closed, I tipped 200% to the acquaintances that work behind the counter. I’ve donated money to a few causes to help those who are now left without work. I definitely don’t have much and I struggle to maintain a life in New York too, but it pains me to see someone who’s in a worse situation.

We’ll get through this, physically. I’m fully aware of the precarious and dangerous situation of the immediate now, but my mindset has always been to be anxious of the future. I’m always thinking of the bigger picture, and right now the bigger picture looks very scary. People are going to be needing help once the curve of infection (and, yes, fatalities) eventually flattens, so do what you can to help your fellow human being to prepare for the future. Love one another, videochat with your family and friends and keep them sane and happy, donate to those who are struggling or will most likely going to struggle.

Oh, and wash your hands.

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Get Him Outta Here.

I think I’ve sort of reached the part of Maslow’s Hierarchy where I know who I am and what I want — self-actualization. I know that, intrinsically, I’m the type of person who needs to continuously consume knowledge and current events; it’s my nature to be a fucking know-it-all and (idealistically) have a pseudo-intellectual conversation about politics, ethics, creativity, and philosophy with other pseudo-intellectuals. Needless to say, I’m just awkward in social situations, but I know how to write and express my thoughts through words. I also know that I worry too much — not just about myself (though that’s debatable) but about those I care about and society as a whole.

Now that I’ve explained a tiny bit of my human nature, I can confidently declare this: Trump needs to fucking go.

I watch and read the news everyday (occasionally going on Twitter and comment sections to get a small dose of hate-reads to not feel like a robot), and though I would declare myself a progressive liberal, I get this pang of existential dread each time Trump pisses off a country or ally, revokes an economical or environmental or humanitarian policy, or just plain goddamn lies for the benefit of himself.

What scares me more are those rallies of supporters who think it’s okay for a leader to act immorally in the face of the moral status quo. I’ve always lived by the golden rule and the standard to respect and to help and be a generally good person (despite the differences, and despite how shitty some may treat you). I’m not one to ever seek retribution or that I deserve this or that. To me it was never “America First,” and quite frankly I don’t see the need to “Make America Great Again” when I thought it was sufficient enough to just be “America Is And Still Is Okay” (we should tone down the unabashed patriotism after the shittiness of slavery, prejudices, American imperialism, or unrelenting capitalism). Yet after consuming the news as much as much as I do — everything from the left to the right to the moderate to the unbiased — all I see are MAGA hats: a unilaterally uninformed cult of personality feeding a narcissistic opportunist. Kid cages, “shithole” countries and cities, insulting a 16-year-old activist, the Kurds, Charlottesville, almost starting WWIII with Iran… the list never fucking ends. Knowing everything he did and does, how can people look into their hearts and still believe in Trump? We are seriously heading towards the plot line of “Idiocracy” where only the loudest and ignorant will rule the planet (as someone who works in academia, there’s a national poll that, each year, the number of Americans who think higher education is unnecessary becomes larger and larger). I feel I removed myself from that echo chamber of 2016, and standing outside that bubble, I am fearful.

I am fearful for our democracy. Watching the impeachment trials, I know that the Republican-controlled senate will acquit Trump. I’ve known it from the beginning (hey, maybe I’ll be proven wrong after this is posted). As I said, I’m too much of a worrier, but I’m also a realist. What’s sad is that despite all the facts, we have leaders who put their own interests and politics first before our laws, our democracy, our moral high ground. I have no faith in our elected officials.

Sure, there is an election coming in November. However, I feel that the average American is apathetic to our country’s current state and doesn’t really pay attention to the news. Hell — of everybody in my life, and as left-leaning as they are — I can only truly talk about the news to two or three of them. Everyone else trashes Trump in passing, free of genuine anxiety over what I see is the downfall of law, culture, and civility. Right or left, America is too polarized, and each side is beginning to become so far extreme, compromise and healthy debates seem to be off the table; it’s all black and white with no shades of gray. Even within the liberal spectrum, there are all-or-nothing people who – if their candidate doesn’t win the Democratic primary – are willing to sit out and protest the election as they did in 2016. One friend, in particular, consumes as much news as me, and is experiencing the same existential dread that Trump may very well get re-elected. (Side note: I remember in 2016 telling my some of my friends that I was worried Trump would get elected, and they tried to assure me he won’t. Well, fuck you guys.)

I have one particular Democratic candidate that I’m rooting for, but if they don’t win the primary, I’ll vote for whoever can oppose that jackass in the Oval Office (or Mar-a-Lago). I will volunteer. If I had a car, I’d drive down to swing states and drive voters to their polling place to ensure a fair election. I don’t think this country (hell, even the world) can withstand another Trump term. A lot of damage to our Constitution, our global relationships, and our globe itself has already been done… and for once, I’d like the news cycle to revolve around puppies and pizza than politics.