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The Life and Times of a Filipino-American

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January 1, 2021 By Phillip Retuta

Thoughts on 2020 and New Years Resolutions.

It feels like each year I reflect on how my year went and how it compares to other years. 2007 was a good year, for instance, while 2005 was an overall shitty year — details I don’t want to exhaust anyone with.

Now that I think about it, both 2019 and 2020 were such awful years. 2019 was when my workplace was going through so many changes with co-workers getting laid off or quitting (hence a fear for my own job security), and let’s not forget losing Nico.

2020 wasn’t any better with the virus, drawing sides along the racial divide, getting furloughed, being financially insecure more than ever, getting kicked out of my apartment, and not having heat or cooking gas into the winter. A total shitstorm that perfectly embodies this year.

Still, despite personal, societal, and political problems, there were some good news to come out of 2020: Biden won and Dusty came into my life.

Coming into 2021, I think I’ll actually pursue some New Year Resolutions: I’ll continue to stop smoking, for one thing. I’ll try to eat a little healthier and lose some more weight, for another. Maybe be more creative and start making dog videos again. Hopefully I can save more money and finally become an adult — like buy a car or buy a home, maybe find a girlfriend. Imagine that? All of this, with the sincerest of desires and a little bit of work, can actually come to pass in 2021 — and I hope this year will be better than the last two.

Filed Under: Dusty Doggerton, Home Life, Nico Doggerton, Politics, Ramblings, Work

December 20, 2020 By Phillip Retuta

A History of Cigarettes.

Age 25, smoking indoors (I know it’s awful), with Allan’s fist.

I remember I had my first cigarette ever during my sophomore year of college. After a successful Walmart run with my roommate Mike, we were walking back to our dorm room in the middle of winter. Trudging through the snow, he lit a cigarette and offered me one. I haven’t seen Mike smoke before, but he had just broken up with his long-term, long-distance girlfriend a few days prior. A part of me felt some pity for him, and I figured I’d join him — even if I didn’t inhale but let the smoke gather in my cheek.

I started smoking casually at age 24, while living in Chicago. On weekends I’d go to bars, and I remember chain-smoking outside The Burlington or The Flatiron with Margarita (she’s a mom now) or Bryan (I think he grew up to be a firefighter) or a guy named Tre (who the fuck knows where he is now). During the day, however, nothing; I had no desire to have a cigarette or even buy a pack. I suppose I just wanted to fit in.

By the time I was 26, I moved to New York City for grad school, at Parsons. It was during this new phase in my life that I started to really smoke cigarettes. The stress of school, being away from family and trying to meet new people, and the coolness and blasé attitude of Williamsburg circa 2009 consciously willed me to smoke. Smoking a cigarette gave me that solitude, that little “me time” to gather my thoughts, realize how lonely and overwhelmed I felt, and look like a total badass (though no one did see me smoke on the roof of my old apartment). By the time I knew it, I was addicted to cigarettes.

When I’d visit my parents during the holidays, I wanted to preserve the impression of the “perfect, youngest child” and avoided smoking around them. My parents saw me as the baby of the family and “the successful one,” and deep down I never want to disappoint them. I’d wait for them to go to bed, where I’d then sneak into the backyard and light a cigarette (mind you, I’m in my late 20’s by then). After I was done, I’d toss the butt onto the roof, where it would collect into the gutter. My parents have since moved, but God knows — if the new owners of the house cleaned the gutters — how many cigarette butts they’d find.

It wasn’t always clandestine cigarette breaks, Dylan-esque moments of reflection, or (forgive me) smoke-and-mirrors. I can recall four instances when I quit smoking for long periods of time:

  1. During 2010, where I began to feel physically ill. Nauseous. Weird stomach problems. I didn’t know what was the cause, nor did I ever go to a doctor — I didn’t have health insurance then. As a self-remedy, I quit smoking for 5 months and even became a vegetarian. I relapsed into meat and nicotine during grad school finals.
  2. During 2012, when my doctor told me my blood pressure was elevated. I didn’t touch cigarettes for 7 months, and I even had an app to track how long I didn’t smoke. One day, during a time where I was laid off and relying on Unemployment checks (and quite frankly, I was just bored), I bought a pack of cigarettes for the hell of it. Big mistake.
  3. 2016.
  4. In early 2020, for 2 months I didn’t have any cigarettes. I was on the anti-smoking aid Chantix, and it helped immensely: I was slowly and surely weening off nicotine, and after cutting down on cigarettes for months, I was eventually smoke-free for 60 days. Psychologically and physically, I was in a good place; for once, I was on the path to feeling healthy. However, the first COVID-19 case came to New York, and as each day passed, more and more co-workers refused to come into the office. The news and the virus itself spread quickly, till one day it was just me and a fellow co-worker at our desks. We both knew that we’ll be working from home indefinitely, so I packed my work iMac and anything I needed. In the back of my mind, I also feared getting laid off again or furloughed (ahem). It was then that I decided to buy a pack of American Spirits — not as strong as my go-to Parliaments or Camel Blues, but enough to “de-stress” me and give me time to think. With my work stuff ready to be transported into an Uber, I stepped outside of my office to clear my head and have a cigarette. Yes, I started smoking again when the pandemic hit.

If it’s any blatant indication, I smoke when I’m stressed out or worried. Like my college roommate Mike who had just gone through a breakup, I turned to cigarettes as a coping mechanism. Again, despite the contrary and all scientific evidence, having a cigarette by myself calms me; I’m able to gather my thoughts, contemplate everything, and enjoy the quiet solitude. It’s psychological: I like being alone sometimes, and I guess nothing drives people away than the smell of cigarettes.

Recently, however, I was feeling ill — like, really, really ill: tightness and small pains in my chest, feeling dizzy and almost blacking out. My blood pressure was dangerously high. Constant tests had ruled out COVID-19, so I know it was my heart and blood pressure, and I know my diet and especially my smoking had become detrimental to my health. I’m getting older, and my habits were killing me. It was time for change (again).

So, as of this writing and as I’m chewing some expired nicotine gum, I haven’t touched a cigarette in over two weeks.

I don’t know, as fatalistic as I can be, I want to be there for my parents, my brother, my friends, and especially my dog. I figured quitting smoking (hopefully for good) will extend my life a little longer, so I can be with this puppy (I don’t want to smoke around Dusty, and a part of me feels my smoking gave Nico her cancer). I’d have a lot of regret leaving behind my family and friends, but I’d feel even more guilty for a dog — a creature wholly dependent on me — to be left alone without her owner.

I know for a fact that my blood pressure has returned to normal since I stopped smoking (I have a blood pressure kit at home, and I just came back from my primary care physician), and I’m saving so much money on not buying my usual pack or two a week. Working from home and self-isolating is also relieving a lot of stress, especially now that I’m full-time again and my social obligations are sparse. Who knows? Maybe with this pandemic and with this dog (and yes, with this expired nicotine gum), I’ll finally quit smoking for good. Wish me luck, but if I can handle and mediate my anxieties (and hey, writing on this blog is a perfect outlet), I think I’ll be fine.

Filed Under: Chicago, Dusty Doggerton, Family, Home Life, Memories, Ramblings, Work

June 26, 2020 By Phillip Retuta

Work Update.

Day 100 of self-isolation.

Great news! Last week I received a notification from HR that they’re recalling my partial-furlough. I can’t wait to be working full-time again and have some sense of financial security. It’s been so fucking rough these past three months, where I had to borrow money from my parents and a friend and pick and choose which utilities I should and could pay for, and really think about how I can stretch a dollar with food. And that federal stimulus check? That went entirely to my rent.

Of course, the New York State government hasn’t been any help, and after 3 months of no communication from them, I finally receive a call from a case manager. Despite my rent, despite borrowing money from others, despite being partially-furloughed to part-time and not making enough money to live normal, they reject me — just because I work more than 3 days a week. I asked what can I do repeal that decision or what kind of aid I can find, but they say nothing can be done. Everything about this — from the rejection to the no communication to the strict guidelines — reeks of bureaucracy. I had no expectations from the government on a federal level, but I feel really disappointed and disillusioned by my local government.

All that aside, I’m happy to be back on full-time and my benefits (such as health insurance) safely secured. Even though I struggled financially at the beginning of the pandemic, I can look forward to saving money: I don’t have to commute, I’m not eating out all the time, and quite frankly my social life (like going to a bar or coffee shop) has been at a pleasant lull.

I consider myself very fortunate and very lucky, especially when so many people are unemployed and underemployed. Here in NYC, I have friends who’ve lost jobs in the food and hospitality industry. I hear news of food bank lines welcoming new, never-be-seen faces — a sign that well-to-do families and financially-secure people are now experiencing Great Depression-level anxieties.

It’s goddamn sad.

The world seems to be falling apart, and all I can do now is shut myself in, recoup my losses and payback those I owe, and truly hope we’ll all pull through this without too many scars.

Filed Under: New York City, Ramblings, Work

May 22, 2020 By Phillip Retuta

COVID-19 and Boredom.

Feeling trapped?

Day 66 of self-isolation.

I’ll admit, the past few days have had this weird, somewhat disheartening feeling of stasis. It’s not that I’m feeling depressed, but rather I’m just existing and living each day, going through the motions. However, I don’t feel lost. Unlike some people stuck in quarantine, I know what day it is: “The Masked Singer” and “What We Do in the Shadows” are on Wednesdays (but there are no episodes of “The Simpsons”), “Top Chef” is on Thursdays, “Love It Or List It” tends to run marathons on Saturdays. It’s become a pathetic routine.

Yes, I’m bored as hell — so much so that I’ve been doing work-work on days I’m off the clock, just because I need something to do. Yes, I’m not getting paid or being put back on full-time with the hours I’m putting in, but I’ve run out of projects that I could accomplish with the money that I have. I’ve applied to new jobs just in case work falls through, disastrously (because, admittedly, the scariest thing about this pandemic is the uncertainty of the future). I’m waiting on friends to help me with content for some video ideas, but I’ve learned not to hold my breath. I could cook and bake, but I’m trying to watch what I eat as well as trying to save money during this furlough.

Boredom, I feel, has finally gotten the best of me — and a lot of it stems from a lack of funds. There are so many projects I want to do — shoot film, build something out of wood, finish my garden, bake something new, shoot dog photos — but everything requires money: materials, ingredients, supplies, a dog. I’ve found that I can’t pursue new projects when I have to decide rent and bills are more important than the things that make me happy. With so many survival needs happening at the end of this month (shelter, food, utilities), I’m trying to save every single fucking penny — knowing full well that I don’t have enough to cover everything. I mentioned before that the end of May would be scary, and now it’s the end of May and I feel it. It’s not entirely that financial anxiety, but a feeling of listlessness and un-inspiration.

I’m trying to remedy this by sketching, by rearranging my existing plants, exercising, and by cleaning a whole fucking lot. In between my forced 20-hour work week and while waiting for client approval on work that’s a week earlier than the proposed deadlines, I’ve found myself taking 30 minute to 1 hour naps throughout the day. Being unconscious, I feel, just helps pass the time.

Of course, I feel a sense of loneliness — which I have a love-hate relationship with. I’m enjoying the time to myself, but on the other hand it’d be nice to see somebody. I feel so far-removed, distance-wise, from everybody, and it’d be a pleasure for someone to knock on my door and say hello. Again, this self-isolation wouldn’t be so bad if I had something new to do… and I’d have something new to do if I had a disposable income again.

I’m in no means a religious man, but I’m praying things get back to quasi-normal again sooner than later: to be inspired, to be comfortable financially again, for friends to come over without fear or anxiety. I’m praying that whatever indifference and lethargy that I’m feeling now doesn’t turn into complete dread.

I just need a free, creative thing to do (well, other than writing). Till then, I’ll just keep on smiling and waiting and watching TV.

Filed Under: Art, Design, Friends, Home Life, Personal Projects, Ramblings, Work

April 12, 2020 By Phillip Retuta

COVID-19 and Mental Health.

Day 26 of self-isolation.

It’s been one year since Nico passed, and I have to admit that if she was suffering, I had to take care of her as I did, and she passed today, I wouldn’t be in a good emotional state.

Also, I’ve been furloughed at my job, so money will be a tenuous issue in the next coming months.

This brings me to the point of this post: mental health. I have to say, all things considered, I’m really hanging in there. Sure, I might be living alone, slightly worried about how I’m going to financially sustain myself, and I no longer have the companionship of a dog, but I’m doing okay mentally. It’s others — namely my friends and my family — that I worry about.

But isn’t always the case: me worrying about others?

What I’ve been doing to combat loneliness and depression is keeping myself pre-occupied. It helps that I bought Final Fantasy VII: Remake, but I’ve been drawing and reading again (not to mention blogging). I’ve also been cooking a lot lately and trying out a lot of new recipes, some of which I’ll most likely share here. My garden is doing pretty well, and I spend some afternoons repotting, replanting, and de-weeding. I try and exercise everyday. Hobbies, as it would seem, are a great way to alleviate the boredom and the knowledge I’m confined.

I do watch and read the news a lot, and as depressing and anxiety-inducing as the updates and the politics are, I’ve grown a thicker skin to let it affect me emotionally. I’ve slowly learned that there are things I can’t fully control, and letting go of the situations beyond my agency allows me to feel a little more relaxed. In essence, you can’t change the way others think or behave (even on a national and global scale), but you can change your own comprehension of the world and your actions.

Coping appropriately and constant thought-stopping through hobbies, you see, are the best ways to fight the emotional symptoms of COVID-19. So save up, keep calm, hope for a better future, and keep yourself pre-occupied!

Filed Under: Personal Projects, Ramblings, Work

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    Welcome


Born 1983. Art Director, UX/UI and Digital Designer. Illustrator. Dog Owner. Coffee Enthusiast. Pizza Lover.

I love over-thinking the simplest of things and making stuff at every waking moment: comics, food, videos, photos... you name it. This blog is a record of my work, my exploits, and my philosophical, political, and psychological ideologies. So enjoy reading my dumb ideas and inane rants that I'd otherwise be ashamed to verbally speak out in public.

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Recent Posts

  • A Culture of Observation, Post-2016.
  • New Beginnings.
  • Done With This Apartment.
  • Thoughts on Dying, Death, and the Leftovers.
  • To Be Vaccine and Heard.
  • Nico Calendar 2021.
  • You Were The Best, Marissa Snoddy.
  • Ugly Americans: All Your Base Belongs to Suck.
  • Thoughts on 2020 and New Years Resolutions.
  • Ghosts, Gangsters, Vampires, and Weed: Favorite TV Shows of 2020.

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