Phillip Retuta's Blog

The Life and Times of a Filipino-American

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Work Update.

Day 100 of self-isolation.

Great news! Last week I received a notification from HR that they’re recalling my partial-furlough. I can’t wait to be working full-time again and have some sense of financial security. It’s been so fucking rough these past three months, where I had to borrow money from my parents and a friend and pick and choose which utilities I should and could pay for, and really think about how I can stretch a dollar with food. And that federal stimulus check? That went entirely to my rent.

Of course, the New York State government hasn’t been any help, and after 3 months of no communication from them, I finally receive a call from a case manager. Despite my rent, despite borrowing money from others, despite being partially-furloughed to part-time and not making enough money to live normal, they reject me — just because I work more than 3 days a week. I asked what can I do repeal that decision or what kind of aid I can find, but they say nothing can be done. Everything about this — from the rejection to the no communication to the strict guidelines — reeks of bureaucracy. I had no expectations from the government on a federal level, but I feel really disappointed and disillusioned by my local government.

All that aside, I’m happy to be back on full-time and my benefits (such as health insurance) safely secured. Even though I struggled financially at the beginning of the pandemic, I can look forward to saving money: I don’t have to commute, I’m not eating out all the time, and quite frankly my social life (like going to a bar or coffee shop) has been at a pleasant lull.

I consider myself very fortunate and very lucky, especially when so many people are unemployed and underemployed. Here in NYC, I have friends who’ve lost jobs in the food and hospitality industry. I hear news of food bank lines welcoming new, never-be-seen faces — a sign that well-to-do families and financially-secure people are now experiencing Great Depression-level anxieties.

It’s goddamn sad.

The world seems to be falling apart, and all I can do now is shut myself in, recoup my losses and payback those I owe, and truly hope we’ll all pull through this without too many scars.

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COVID-19 and Boredom.

Feeling trapped?

Day 66 of self-isolation.

I’ll admit, the past few days have had this weird, somewhat disheartening feeling of stasis. It’s not that I’m feeling depressed, but rather I’m just existing and living each day, going through the motions. However, I don’t feel lost. Unlike some people stuck in quarantine, I know what day it is: “The Masked Singer” and “What We Do in the Shadows” are on Wednesdays (but there are no episodes of “The Simpsons”), “Top Chef” is on Thursdays, “Love It Or List It” tends to run marathons on Saturdays. It’s become a pathetic routine.

Yes, I’m bored as hell — so much so that I’ve been doing work-work on days I’m off the clock, just because I need something to do. Yes, I’m not getting paid or being put back on full-time with the hours I’m putting in, but I’ve run out of projects that I could accomplish with the money that I have. I’ve applied to new jobs just in case work falls through, disastrously (because, admittedly, the scariest thing about this pandemic is the uncertainty of the future). I’m waiting on friends to help me with content for some video ideas, but I’ve learned not to hold my breath. I could cook and bake, but I’m trying to watch what I eat as well as trying to save money during this furlough.

Boredom, I feel, has finally gotten the best of me — and a lot of it stems from a lack of funds. There are so many projects I want to do — shoot film, build something out of wood, finish my garden, bake something new, shoot dog photos — but everything requires money: materials, ingredients, supplies, a dog. I’ve found that I can’t pursue new projects when I have to decide rent and bills are more important than the things that make me happy. With so many survival needs happening at the end of this month (shelter, food, utilities), I’m trying to save every single fucking penny — knowing full well that I don’t have enough to cover everything. I mentioned before that the end of May would be scary, and now it’s the end of May and I feel it. It’s not entirely that financial anxiety, but a feeling of listlessness and un-inspiration.

I’m trying to remedy this by sketching, by rearranging my existing plants, exercising, and by cleaning a whole fucking lot. In between my forced 20-hour work week and while waiting for client approval on work that’s a week earlier than the proposed deadlines, I’ve found myself taking 30 minute to 1 hour naps throughout the day. Being unconscious, I feel, just helps pass the time.

Of course, I feel a sense of loneliness — which I have a love-hate relationship with. I’m enjoying the time to myself, but on the other hand it’d be nice to see somebody. I feel so far-removed, distance-wise, from everybody, and it’d be a pleasure for someone to knock on my door and say hello. Again, this self-isolation wouldn’t be so bad if I had something new to do… and I’d have something new to do if I had a disposable income again.

I’m in no means a religious man, but I’m praying things get back to quasi-normal again sooner than later: to be inspired, to be comfortable financially again, for friends to come over without fear or anxiety. I’m praying that whatever indifference and lethargy that I’m feeling now doesn’t turn into complete dread.

I just need a free, creative thing to do (well, other than writing). Till then, I’ll just keep on smiling and waiting and watching TV.

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COVID-19 and Mental Health.

Day 26 of self-isolation.

It’s been one year since Nico passed, and I have to admit that if she was suffering, I had to take care of her as I did, and she passed today, I wouldn’t be in a good emotional state.

Also, I’ve been furloughed at my job, so money will be a tenuous issue in the next coming months.

This brings me to the point of this post: mental health. I have to say, all things considered, I’m really hanging in there. Sure, I might be living alone, slightly worried about how I’m going to financially sustain myself, and I no longer have the companionship of a dog, but I’m doing okay mentally. It’s others — namely my friends and my family — that I worry about.

But isn’t always the case: me worrying about others?

What I’ve been doing to combat loneliness and depression is keeping myself pre-occupied. It helps that I bought Final Fantasy VII: Remake, but I’ve been drawing and reading again (not to mention blogging). I’ve also been cooking a lot lately and trying out a lot of new recipes, some of which I’ll most likely share here. My garden is doing pretty well, and I spend some afternoons repotting, replanting, and de-weeding. I try and exercise everyday. Hobbies, as it would seem, are a great way to alleviate the boredom and the knowledge I’m confined.

I do watch and read the news a lot, and as depressing and anxiety-inducing as the updates and the politics are, I’ve grown a thicker skin to let it affect me emotionally. I’ve slowly learned that there are things I can’t fully control, and letting go of the situations beyond my agency allows me to feel a little more relaxed. In essence, you can’t change the way others think or behave (even on a national and global scale), but you can change your own comprehension of the world and your actions.

Coping appropriately and constant thought-stopping through hobbies, you see, are the best ways to fight the emotional symptoms of COVID-19. So save up, keep calm, hope for a better future, and keep yourself pre-occupied!

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The Eighth Avenue Aches: WTF MTA?

Since January, I’ve collected data on my commute from my apartment in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn to my work in Columbus Circle, Manhattan: I log the time I leave my home, and I log the time when I enter the door to my office.

When I first moved to my new place in August 2017, I was amazed that it took 30 to 35 minutes to get to work; back at my old apartment in Crown Heights, it took almost an hour to get to Columbus Circle via the 2/3 express trains and transferring to the 1. Riding the A or C train from Bed-Stuy without transferring (and with the subway stations less than a 5-minute walk away), I was finally happy to see that my commute would now be much simpler.

Sometime during the winter, though, I noticed a combination of delayed arrivals and packed trains. If the A train arrived on time, all the subway cars would be so packed, passengers would have to wait for the next train (and in frequent cases, the train after that or even a fourth train). The C train — which runs locally — has a bad habit of arriving 10 minutes apart even during the morning rush hour (I find it acceptable to wait a maximum of 6 minutes for a train on a weekday morning, during the peak hours of 7:30 to 9:30).


It was during one January morning that it took me 2 hours (and transferring between 4 trains) to get to work that I decided to start documenting my commute times. As of writing this post, the express A train (in conjunction with delayed times and packed trains) has been running every 14 minutes during rush hour every morning. If I’m lucky to catch an arriving train, it still takes me almost an hour to get to work as opposed to 35 minutes. On the other hand, if I miss a train, I’m now waiting anywhere from 6 minutes to even 17 minutes for the next train to arrive. Just imagine that, as people who miss a train or simply can’t fit into a subway car, will have to wait for the next train for a long-ass time — only to have more people enter the station and clog up the waiting areas. The congestion that builds up in each of the stations has been unforgivable, and I can tell that my fellow passengers in Brooklyn are getting testy.

Here’s the data I’ve collected so far, bolded times were the typical commute for me back in the summer of 2017:

2018.01.10: 1 Hour, 53 Minutes — A to C to 2 to 1
2018.01.11: 55 Minutes — A
2018.01.12: 35 Minutes — A
2018.01.16: 55 Minutes — C
2018.01.17: 55 Minutes — A
2018.01.18: 53 Minutes — C to A
2018.01.22: 52 Minutes — A to F to B
2018.01.23: 1 Hour, 17 Minutes — A
2018.01.24: 34 Minutes — A
2018.01.25: 54 Minutes —  C
2018.01.26: 51 Minutes — C to A
2018.01.29: 55 Minutes — C
2018.01.31: 52 Minutes — A
2018.02.01: 56 Minutes — A
2018.02.02: 50 Minutes — C
2018.02.05: 51 Minutes — A
2018.02.06: 46 Minutes — A
2018.02.07: 58 Minutes — A
2018.02.08: 55 Minutes — C to A
2018.02.12: 56 Minutes — A
2018.02.13: 43 Minutes — A
2018.02.14: 44 Minutes — C
2018.02.15: 50 Minutes — A
2018.02.16: 44 Minutes — A
2018.02.20: 47 Minutes — A
2018.02.21: 43 Minutes — A
2018.02.22: 50 Minutes — A
2018.02.23: 55 Minutes — C
2018.02.26: 1 Hour, 2 Minutes — A
2018.02.27: 46 Minutes — A
2018.02.28: 52 Minutes — A
2018.03.01: 38 Minutes — A
2018.03.02: 50 Minutes — A
2018.03.05: 1 Hour — A
2018.03.06: 42 Minutes — A
2018.03.08: 47 Minutes — A
2018.03.09: 47 Minutes — C
2018.03.12: 50 Minutes — A
2018.03.13: 51 Minutes — A
2018.04.17: 59 Minutes — A
2018.04.18: 1 Hour, 20 Minutes — A
2018.04.19: 52 Minutes — C
2018.04.20: 39 Minutes — A
2018.04.23: 1 Hour, 2 Minutes — A
2018.04.24: 59 Minutes — A
2018.04.25: 54 Minutes — C
2018.04.26: 55 Minutes — A to C
2018.04.27: 32 Minutes — C
2018.04.30: 49 Minutes — A
2018.05.01: 59 Minutes — A
2018.05.02: 27 Minutes — C
2018.05.03: 40 Minutes — A
2018.05.04: 30 Minutes — A
2018.05.07: 53 Minutes — A
2018.05.08: 47 Minutes — A
2018.05.09: 45 Minutes — A
2018.05.10: 50 Minutes — A
2018.05.14: 50 Minutes — A
2018.05.15: 52 Minutes — A
2018.05.16: 50 Minutes — A
2018.05.18: 50 Minutes — A

I find that these delayed times and packed trains are a combination of a lot of things. First of all, the MTA (and the New York Governor who controls MTA funding) has reduced the number of trains. Top that with the increased number of people moving to the outer boroughs (I’ll save the rant of new high rises, urban displacement, and gentrification for later), there are simply not enough trains and money to accommodate suitable transportation in Brooklyn. God knows I don’t enjoy the yearly subway fare hikes, but that money seems misused if they decide to reduce the number of trains running throughout New York.

I’ve also noticed that the MTA relies on a century-old transit system. The express A train merges with the local C train after three stations and continues to be on one track for about 40% of my commute (I don’t get how the A train from Nostrand Avenue to 59th Street-Columbus Circle is “express” if it’s only 5 less stops than the C train). Once I get past 42 Street in Manhattan, the A then merges with the same track as the D train. Usually, I’ve noticed, it takes me 15 minutes to get from 42nd Street to Columbus Circle; the A train just stops between the 17 blocks between 42nd and 59th, and I see two to three local trains whiz by on the adjacent track. The way I see it: the A train shares the same track as the C train (and the C train later shares the same track as the E train and B train). The D train shares the same set of tracks as the F, B, and M trains. If there’s one problem (say a signal malfunction, stalled train, or sick passenger) on any of these trains, my commute is affected. It’s train traffic at its worst.

Lastly, and I think this is the bane of every New Yorker’s existence: signal problems. All of the MTA’s train traffic runs on a signal system implemented in the 90’s, as a result of this train crash. Although it’s meant to protect the safety of commuters, the signal system has been plagued with numerous problems lately. It’s a system almost 3o years old now, and if there’s a minor problem with a signal (which nowadays is prone to malfunctions), then all train traffic along the affected line stands to a halt.

I’m not too certain if there’s an immediate solution to these problems, but if the New York State is going to annually increase my subway fare and extend my commute to double its time, I’d like the MTA to be less vague about subway delays and more transparent with what they’re doing with our money. Otherwise, I’ll just be continue to be habitually stressed out and rant about it.

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Work Field Trip at the American Museum of Natural History.

My senior creative director, Angela, invited the design and web team to join her at the American Museum of Natural History. She split us into two teams, and we were each tasked to go on a scavenger hunt around the museum: using our mobile phones, we had to take photos, shoot videos, and answer questions in the guise of team building exercises.

Our team, nicknamed “Thunder,” completed over 80% of the tasks, and it was great connecting with all my co-workers — especially the other designers who are based on our Old Westbury campus many miles away. The scavenger hunt was a lot of fun, and I was able to see the funny, jovial side of my office mates: posing with gift shop plush toys and large-scale exhibitions, planking on the floor, parkouring on the benches, and annoying the hell out of the museum workers. In the end, Thunder beat out the other team, and we were were awarded with adult coloring books (perfect for us designers).

After the work field trip, we collectively had lunch at UNO’s Pizzeria a block away (don’t get me started on the “Chicagoan Authenticity” of their food, but to me pizza is pizza). A few of us had cocktails, and my office mate Joe had an audaciously pink drink which looked like a kid dipped a magenta Crayola marker in some vodka. We were all supposed to be dismissed earlier than usual, but in lieu of my Iceland flight a few hours later, I excused myself sooner.

Here are some photos. We’re wacky AF: